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That's right, do your dangdest, come up with a the most creatively bad cover letter you can, post it to this Livejournal's comments sections (No LJ needed, you can login with other services.) and that's it.

Several of last years had me laughing four an hour.


( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 13th, 2011 05:44 pm (UTC)
Hi Mr. Agent
I had this asinmint to rite a storie an it was pretty god. i hop U leik it to and it sels for lot$ of $$4. i no your busy but plz reed my storie

May. 13th, 2011 05:59 pm (UTC)
Not in competition but for the readers this may amuse: http://www.di2.nu/200609/09.htm

May. 13th, 2011 06:06 pm (UTC)
Dear Agent Sir,

I've work on my book ever since 7th grade. I am now 51. It's a good story, gooder than Harry Ppotter, about a girl who finds a fairy family living in her back yard. Fluff becomes her best friend and they do stuff together.

At 230,817 words I think this is a perfect book for grade school kids all around teh world. Therefore, I want exclusive foreign rights when you get me my 6 figure advance.

Don't miss out, reply soon before I write to somebody else who I"m sure will snape it up!

U.R. Nitemare

May. 13th, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC)
Hey dude!

I don't think I need an agent but if you don't want it I know someone else does. I went to the bookstore the other day for the first time in years and everything SUCKED man. Vampires and girly stuff. No vampires in my book! My idea is totally unique and it's all about zombies, angels, and zombie angels and the end of the world. There's even sex!

Right now it's 100 pages long and before I write it all I want to know it sold. My mom said it would make an awesome movie (but she didn't read the sex part), and it made my girlfriend cry.

So if you want to cry too email me FAST so you can have dibs and we'll make millions. I'll call you later so I know you got this.

Later man!


May. 14th, 2011 02:34 am (UTC)
My sub and I think I would probably black list anyone sending in anything like this. Enjoy.
Dear Agent/Agents,
Right now you must be enjoying the home cooked pizza on NAMED CHAIN box which I writ this letter. My pizza with prawns, anchovies and peanuts on a tomato base just rocks and I froze it before I sent it UPS so it should have gotten to you only a little while after it thawed.
I have an awesome book that I finished in two weeks. This is my very first book and I just know you will want to send it to (Big name publisher) (Big name publisher), and (Big name publisher) as I know they will want to go into a bidding war on my wonderful book. It is far beter than (Big name author’s work) and also (New Yourk Times Big nam authors work.) they are piss poor in comparison to my book.
My book comes in at 450,000 words and I hope you appreciate that I haz printed it all out Blackadder Itc as this is a really small format and will not need to have to many tres chopped down to make it iinto a book. I am really into the environment. This iz something you can see for your self as I has sent the full submission to your via UPS and it should be getting there in about ten minutes as that is what I did pay for from them, those guys. I included a pair of walmart spectacles that I used to edit this while I writ it . I did fully wash them under the tap as I had pink eye at the time.
Now my sotry is absolutely out of this world. I haz a king that was forces tomarry this chick who is really a giant amoeba. Yes, I do know what I is doing as this is fantasy and I can break any rules I like. It is really cool as he gets to become a shapeshifter and beat the bag and save the world. Isn’t that cool? No one has evah done anything like this before.
When you send my your contract I will expect you to already be hot on the trail go getting (Big name film produce), and (Big name film producer), on line. I think this will make billions in a bidding war and that iz what agents do. So you had better get yoursleg in gear.
I have thoroughly gon over this book and it is good to go as it iz. It dowsn’t require any editing as I iz a very good writer.
I expect to here from you first thing tomorrow morning with yor contract.
Signed An awful wannabe author.

Caveat. Hon, I am sending you virtual Imodium, a crate of bathroom tissue and T 3s to get over the virtual food poisoning. I include a crate of the virtual finest bourbon to compensate for the virtual migraine caused by virtual arrogance. I had intended to put in more typos but spell checker nixed me. I got away with bad punctuation, though.This was fun. I hope you get a chuckle out of this.
May. 14th, 2011 07:21 am (UTC)
@onyxhawke Got ths book ull luv.
Title: txtr.
Abt artist hu iz alwayz using his mobile to txt ppl. C? Its a pun. Cud B TEXTURE or TEXTER.

NEway gr8 tale w lotsa passion as Tim (the txtr) tries 2 make $$$ frm his art. Also get grl. LMAO funny 2 when he txts wrong grl
Start 1995 w TXTs end 2010 w tweets n fb status msg. Story told by txts/tweets 2/f tim & co. 13926 TXTs 5247 tweets 1972 FB statuses also 2010 AOL IM msgs

U like it, tweet @txtrtim
May. 14th, 2011 03:19 pm (UTC)
Dear Ms. Bongo:

I offer you the exclusive opportunity to represent me and my blockbuster book, "Things that Go Bump in the Night." It's an epic comedy with aliens, vampires, elves, talking animals, explosions, sex, and much much more! I'm enclosing the manuscirpt which is 600 pages, so it will be huge just like George R.R. Martin! Just wait until you get to page 450 and something really big happens. I won't give it away but you won't believe it!

I took an online writing class and paid a really big name editor to edit my book, so it's already in good shape and ready to go. She says I have a real imagination.

I can't wait to hear from you! I imagine it will take you at least two days to read my book. I'll call you in a week just in case you need some extra days.

I'm really excited to work with you and know you will love my book! Oh, if you can't get me a six-figure advance, don't bother. But I bet you can. I hear you're good.

Thanks so much! Hugs and kisses!

Dolly Umburger

P.S. That's my real name. Do you think I need a pen name? I was thinking something like Willow Firecracker?

P.S.S. I'm also enclosing an author photo for the back of the book! That's really me and I haven't had work done or anything!

May. 14th, 2011 03:32 pm (UTC)
Dear Mister Kobango:

Thank you for reading this manuscript. I know you will love it as I am sure it will sell a million copies and make you rich. My mother loves it, and all my betta readers assure me it will be the next block buster! Except for my cat, Mr. Fluffy, who finds it deeply offensive to Persians.

I became a writer when I suddenly discovered myself at a Greatful Dead Concert in 1987. Or maybe it was nineteen-eighty six, I can't be certain.

The book is a post-Bin Laden fantasy about how great the future will be after Donald Trump is elected president. The economy gets better and we allow cassinos every where in America. Except in Florida because that would just be tacky.

The hero is a masseuse who accepts a robot for a client but is troubled when the robot wants him to touch him in a way that that isnt legal.

I am sending you the first 2wo chapters, which is one hunderd and fifteen thousand words. I am assure you will find they're is a wonderful market for this book as it is better than any thing ive ever written or ever readed.

In my spare time I enjoy pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.


Holden Salinger

(p.s. do you like my pen name???)
May. 14th, 2011 04:15 pm (UTC)
dear Mr. Kabingo,

Have you read my MSS yet? I know I should be a patient but i cant wate!!!!!


Holden Salanger
(gnome de plum)
May. 14th, 2011 08:38 pm (UTC)
Best Cover Letter Ever
To Whoever Reads These Things,

Hello, it’s me again. Yes, I am the author of that book that was so amazingly awesome that I didn’t even bother sending it in to you for consideration, since any negative emotion that you might have had towards it would cause you to look bad (since my book was, after all, that amazing and inspiring). Sadly, despite being deserved of millions of dollars in advances, legions of adoring fans and loving critics, my novel had transcended the mortal coil and is no longer available for any publisher to look upon it, as every time someone gazed upon it, tears sprung from their eyes. They wept from the sheer beauty of the thing.

I know you are as saddened as I was to learn of this. Alas, it’s a simple fact of life: sometimes my books are just too good for even God to read. Mortals like you and others must simply bask in the greatness of my work.

That being said, this year I have an even better novel which I have dumbed down for the target audience traditional publishers pander to. Despite your less-than-average intelligence reader, I have little doubt that This Book!: The Greatest Story Never Told is going to be a smash hit on every conceivable market and the ignorant, unwashed masses will shout my name to the heavens above once they read this book.

I have no marketing plan since, after all, I will be too busy enjoying my success to worry about such trivial things. I also have no target audience, as I am certain that any publisher you show this to will be in such awe that it will be in every genre known to man (and a few that will have to be invented to contain my glorious work of art). I cannot even begin to outline the basis of the story without giving away too much and ruining the amazing, life-altering event you will undoubtedly achieve upon completion of the first chapter.

Oh yes, the entire book is the first chapter. You have to read it all to fully appreciate just what I accomplished in so little time with this book.

You will undoubtedly find spelling errors, which I will remind you that a great book needs no corrections and thusly, they are not errors but simply “strategic points of interest”. There is also talk of such thing as a “plot” in other books but fear not, my lowly yet needful friend, I have ignored such a trivial pursuit and focused on the meandering conversationalist piece I have created.

I will be waiting for you to contact me one you have completed my amazing work. I have no doubt that you will be throwing money at me as well. Therefore, I also enclosed the routing number to my checking account so that my money will come to me faster.

And as for my sending you my work - you’re welcome. I chose you out of dozens of potential agents, to allow you the chance to become more than a third-rate literary agent. My book will take you further than anyone else could ever have imagined.

So yes, you are very welcome indeed.

Awaiting your money,

Amazing Writer
May. 15th, 2011 02:11 pm (UTC)
Dear Mr. Agent,

I really need this book to sell. My landlord is going to evict me if I don't have money soon, my boss wrote me up for the third time last week and I need to get out of there, and my mother says she can't lend me any more money; she gave some selfish excuse about being on a fixed income and not having any savings. So I really need it.

I've got two cats (one of them is named Furball and he does the cutest things! The other day he knocked over his food bowl and spilled water all over the floor - would you believe that? He's this gorgeous tabby with two ears and a black tail and he so much loves his daddy. Me, not his real daddy, who was my other cat Fangball, who passed away a few years ago. I really loved Fangball too) and am a devout Yankees fan. I like to read science fiction, romances, and hanging out with my friends. I also volunteer for the Red Cross and Habitat for Humanity, and give money every year to the Salvation Army.

So I'm a really good person who really needs the money and has a wide range of interests. I hear agents normally make 10% but because I really badly need the money, 5% should be OK, right? Can you tell me when I can expect the rest of the money? By the end of the week would be really good because of my language.

PS - the book is attached. Let me know when they're going to make it into a movie, too.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )


O'Mike aka onyxhawke

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